صالح الفوزان
 |
 |
|
Saturday, July 13, 2024,06:56
Pensées --- (Or, Is It a Midlife Crisis?)
I stopped writing years ago. The act of authoring lost its allure for me. However, as I navigate what feels like a midlife crisis, marked by a deep yearning for the past, I've returned to this space today, making room for my thoughts to flow freely, perhaps as a mechanism for relief.
Deliberately ignoring Abdel Sabour's sage advice, "Never sail in your memory," I've recently ventured deep into my recollections, foolishly attempting to breathe life into bodies that are utterly dead, and vainly trying to resurrect what had already vanished into thin air. The lesson learnt was clear: it is unwise to cling desperately to the ghosts of the past; don't disturb the dead; let sleeping dogs lie; and, most importantly, learn to move on, get over, and leave behind.
In the heyday of blogging, I believed we'd continue posting here as we grew older and older. I imagined this space would remain a sanctuary for me and writer friends, a place where we'd stay connected until old age. But I was wrong. I was naïve. I failed to grasp the impact on our psyches of the relentless march of time and the true nature of life. Personal concerns and daily struggles pulled us apart, and we ourselves have changed. The world around us has changed too, reshaping our identities and relationships. Who we were yesterday is not who we are today, and who we are today will evolve again by tomorrow. As we move steadily towards our inevitable end, we gain and we lose. Yesterday's friends are today's enemies, and today's enemies might still be enemies when tomorrow comes. It's amazing how these inner transformations take place, amazing how human beings are capable of change and adaptation, and amazing how a relationship that once was infused with reciprocal intimacy simply comes to a full stop.
Possible causes of a midlife crisis include, among others, unresolved past issues, aging-related concerns, major life events, and identity questions.
Aging-related concerns! At 42, it feels as if years have slipped through my fingers like grains of sand, leaving me surprised at how swiftly the twenty-something version of me has stepped into 40s. The new white-bearded version is now typically called 'uncle' by people in their 20s. Recently, I've had this situation where I was at a pretty crowded jewelry store. When I wanted to leave, I asked two young ladies to make room for me to pass. One of them said to the other, "Make room for 'papa' to pass." HUH! WHAT? PAPA! It made me laugh though. Feeling the creeping inevitability of age, I cannot deny the anxiety that comes with it, especially as my body is beginning to fail me compared to just a few years ago.
Major life events! Who can claim they haven’t experienced significant events in their life? By 40, most people have witnessed a great deal. The 1980s generation, in particular, has been an eyewitness to numerous landmark events, many of which were deeply distressing. Add to this own personal failures and losses. I mean, look at those who departed when we weren't ready yet for their departure, or when they shouldn't have departed.
Unresolved past issues! Ah, that's where the real struggle lies — the most burdensome part of the story that weighs heavily on the soul. All along the way from cradle onwards, we keep filling our backpacks with experiences, some bitter, some sweet. But whether bitter or sweet, the more you pack, the heavier the load gets. If you're unable to cope and adopt a settle-as-you-go approach, you might end up with so many unresolved issues from the past that will probably make you feel unease. "Let bygones be bygones," despite being a popular theme of advice, is never easy to put into practice. People say, "To err is human." I say, "To be haunted by memory is human," too. I'm not sure whether it is a pro or a con, but I always take things so seriously that they get on my nerves. A short while ago, I was engaged in fierce Facebook discussions with Ash'arites. More than once, my wife woke me up at night, telling me I shouted loudly while asleep. That's funny. I continued the fierce discussions in my dreams, a new habit I hadn't had before. In brief, I think I need to be more adaptable to change — and to learn how to settle unresolved past issues on an as-I-go basis. When facing a full stop, I need to learn how to manage and deal with the experience before the full stop as something that belonged to the past and simply move on, especially where the other parties involved, if any, are able to move on and not even blink. The Hamlet-style question here, however, is: Shall I be able to?
A relationship, by definition, is mutual. According to Cambridge Dictionary, a relationship is "the way in which two or more people feel and behave towards each other." According to Collins, it is "the mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc." A relationship, as such, is a two-way connection between people, implying mutuality and reciprocity. A relationship that is not mutual is lame. Using an adjective such as 'mutual,' 'reciprocal,' or the like to modify "relationship" is redundant. If you are in a situation where you have to use these words to make things clearer to the other party — to define what a relationship is, that's a red flag. Don't commit yourself to a relationship where the other party is unwilling to commit. Don't commit yourself where the other party is reluctant to take on the obligations that a normal relationship typically entails. If for nothing else but preserving dignity, don't do it.
I'm planning to be back here, except that my return to writing will involve a career shift-like move. This space always mirrored the realities of my life: I chanted about love when I was sincerely in love, reviewed movies when I was a cinema enthusiast, and engaged with novels, philosophy, literary materials, etc. when I was interested in such stuff. But now as the focus has shifted, and as I'm still faithful to an innate propensity for a mode of writing that reflects own life, experiences, and interests (a propensity which was further solidified by influences from existentialists like Kierkegaard), this corner will continue to mirror my new focus: religion, translation as a career, and perhaps some personal life issues as a husband and dad. The reason why I'm leaving the old material on this blog, which I now see as less relevant — or even useless, rather than deleting it, is for my kids to have an opportunity to gain some insight into their dad's intellectual progress and journey when they grow up and I'm no longer around.
At this stage of my life, my new lifetime project is to read all or most of the 'chain of narration'-based books of the Salaf, as well as all works of Shaykh ul-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah. There will, of course, be secondary concurrent readings on a need-to-know basis, but the main focus will, hopefully, remain as mentioned. The domain of religious knowledge that currently interests me most is ʿAqīdah, particularly the Athari-Ash'ari debate. Whether or not I still have enough years of my life left to complete this project as planned is a question I have no answer to, but, quoting Shaykh al-Albani, "The path to God is long! We travel it like a tortoise. The goal is not to reach the end of the path, but to die on it." Reading this, you might think I've become a shaykh. Actually, I hope to be one someday, but as of now, I am not.
In closing, I want to extend a heartfelt hi to every old friend who's ever visited this place. Overwhelmed by a deep yearning for the past and a strong sense of nostalgia, I'd like to share, perhaps for the last time, Ennio Morricone's Cinema Paradiso theme. It perfectly captures nostalgia, blending all its connotations into one unique piece. I'm sharing it as a toast to all the friends from the grand old days!
Deliberately ignoring Abdel Sabour's sage advice, "Never sail in your memory," I've recently ventured deep into my recollections, foolishly attempting to breathe life into bodies that are utterly dead, and vainly trying to resurrect what had already vanished into thin air. The lesson learnt was clear: it is unwise to cling desperately to the ghosts of the past; don't disturb the dead; let sleeping dogs lie; and, most importantly, learn to move on, get over, and leave behind.
In the heyday of blogging, I believed we'd continue posting here as we grew older and older. I imagined this space would remain a sanctuary for me and writer friends, a place where we'd stay connected until old age. But I was wrong. I was naïve. I failed to grasp the impact on our psyches of the relentless march of time and the true nature of life. Personal concerns and daily struggles pulled us apart, and we ourselves have changed. The world around us has changed too, reshaping our identities and relationships. Who we were yesterday is not who we are today, and who we are today will evolve again by tomorrow. As we move steadily towards our inevitable end, we gain and we lose. Yesterday's friends are today's enemies, and today's enemies might still be enemies when tomorrow comes. It's amazing how these inner transformations take place, amazing how human beings are capable of change and adaptation, and amazing how a relationship that once was infused with reciprocal intimacy simply comes to a full stop.
Possible causes of a midlife crisis include, among others, unresolved past issues, aging-related concerns, major life events, and identity questions.
Aging-related concerns! At 42, it feels as if years have slipped through my fingers like grains of sand, leaving me surprised at how swiftly the twenty-something version of me has stepped into 40s. The new white-bearded version is now typically called 'uncle' by people in their 20s. Recently, I've had this situation where I was at a pretty crowded jewelry store. When I wanted to leave, I asked two young ladies to make room for me to pass. One of them said to the other, "Make room for 'papa' to pass." HUH! WHAT? PAPA! It made me laugh though. Feeling the creeping inevitability of age, I cannot deny the anxiety that comes with it, especially as my body is beginning to fail me compared to just a few years ago.
Major life events! Who can claim they haven’t experienced significant events in their life? By 40, most people have witnessed a great deal. The 1980s generation, in particular, has been an eyewitness to numerous landmark events, many of which were deeply distressing. Add to this own personal failures and losses. I mean, look at those who departed when we weren't ready yet for their departure, or when they shouldn't have departed.
Unresolved past issues! Ah, that's where the real struggle lies — the most burdensome part of the story that weighs heavily on the soul. All along the way from cradle onwards, we keep filling our backpacks with experiences, some bitter, some sweet. But whether bitter or sweet, the more you pack, the heavier the load gets. If you're unable to cope and adopt a settle-as-you-go approach, you might end up with so many unresolved issues from the past that will probably make you feel unease. "Let bygones be bygones," despite being a popular theme of advice, is never easy to put into practice. People say, "To err is human." I say, "To be haunted by memory is human," too. I'm not sure whether it is a pro or a con, but I always take things so seriously that they get on my nerves. A short while ago, I was engaged in fierce Facebook discussions with Ash'arites. More than once, my wife woke me up at night, telling me I shouted loudly while asleep. That's funny. I continued the fierce discussions in my dreams, a new habit I hadn't had before. In brief, I think I need to be more adaptable to change — and to learn how to settle unresolved past issues on an as-I-go basis. When facing a full stop, I need to learn how to manage and deal with the experience before the full stop as something that belonged to the past and simply move on, especially where the other parties involved, if any, are able to move on and not even blink. The Hamlet-style question here, however, is: Shall I be able to?
A relationship, by definition, is mutual. According to Cambridge Dictionary, a relationship is "the way in which two or more people feel and behave towards each other." According to Collins, it is "the mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc." A relationship, as such, is a two-way connection between people, implying mutuality and reciprocity. A relationship that is not mutual is lame. Using an adjective such as 'mutual,' 'reciprocal,' or the like to modify "relationship" is redundant. If you are in a situation where you have to use these words to make things clearer to the other party — to define what a relationship is, that's a red flag. Don't commit yourself to a relationship where the other party is unwilling to commit. Don't commit yourself where the other party is reluctant to take on the obligations that a normal relationship typically entails. If for nothing else but preserving dignity, don't do it.
I'm planning to be back here, except that my return to writing will involve a career shift-like move. This space always mirrored the realities of my life: I chanted about love when I was sincerely in love, reviewed movies when I was a cinema enthusiast, and engaged with novels, philosophy, literary materials, etc. when I was interested in such stuff. But now as the focus has shifted, and as I'm still faithful to an innate propensity for a mode of writing that reflects own life, experiences, and interests (a propensity which was further solidified by influences from existentialists like Kierkegaard), this corner will continue to mirror my new focus: religion, translation as a career, and perhaps some personal life issues as a husband and dad. The reason why I'm leaving the old material on this blog, which I now see as less relevant — or even useless, rather than deleting it, is for my kids to have an opportunity to gain some insight into their dad's intellectual progress and journey when they grow up and I'm no longer around.
At this stage of my life, my new lifetime project is to read all or most of the 'chain of narration'-based books of the Salaf, as well as all works of Shaykh ul-Islam Ibn Taymiyyah. There will, of course, be secondary concurrent readings on a need-to-know basis, but the main focus will, hopefully, remain as mentioned. The domain of religious knowledge that currently interests me most is ʿAqīdah, particularly the Athari-Ash'ari debate. Whether or not I still have enough years of my life left to complete this project as planned is a question I have no answer to, but, quoting Shaykh al-Albani, "The path to God is long! We travel it like a tortoise. The goal is not to reach the end of the path, but to die on it." Reading this, you might think I've become a shaykh. Actually, I hope to be one someday, but as of now, I am not.
In closing, I want to extend a heartfelt hi to every old friend who's ever visited this place. Overwhelmed by a deep yearning for the past and a strong sense of nostalgia, I'd like to share, perhaps for the last time, Ennio Morricone's Cinema Paradiso theme. It perfectly captures nostalgia, blending all its connotations into one unique piece. I'm sharing it as a toast to all the friends from the grand old days!
I saw this post before and I couldn't figure where I was or who was back!
An old comment while looking for something through old posts drove me back here. I was like 😱😱😱😱
This made my day. Welcome back.